


Shakes and Tremors

by Milla_GSD



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Angst, Angst and Comfort, Crowley has chronic pain, Disabled!Crowley, M/M, author has chronic pain, crowley is disabled, soft angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-09
Updated: 2019-09-09
Packaged: 2020-10-13 11:37:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20581877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Milla_GSD/pseuds/Milla_GSD
Summary: It's the anniversary of the Not-Apocalypse and Crowley and Aziraphale have plans to celebrate.When Crowley's physical pains act up though, he's suddenly less excited about hanging out and worried about how his angel will view him when he finds out Crowley isn't as strong as he believes he is.





	Shakes and Tremors

His hand is shaking again as he stands outside of the bookshop. It’s been shaking ever since the demon woke up that morning and has refused to stop ever since. Crowley growls at it, willing it to just listen to him for once, but the offending appendage only continues to shake. It’s never really been much of a listener. He leans onto his heels, head bowed as he grits his teeth. He’s not even doing anything with his hand and yet it still shakes, tremors running all the way up to his elbow.

Six thousand years he’s been able to hide little details like this away from his angel. Years of random aches and pains and shakes, and he’s terrified this might be the end of all of that hiding. It might be time for his angel to finally learn the truth. He can’t exactly pull away in his Bentley, calling later to spout some silly excuse about a random assignment popping up. Not anymore at least.

Especially not on a night like this. One that’s been planned for over a week now, his angel insisting they celebrate. Crowley can only sigh, a deep breath leaving him slowly as he once again focuses on his shaking hand, trying so hard to just make it stop. His angel most likely knows he’s here already, always seem to anyways, and yet he just can’t manage to let himself raise his hand and open the door. Not while it’s shaking away like this.

His eyes are burning out of frustration behind his glasses and Crowley squeezes them shut hard, willing it to go away, willing the angry tears that are building to go back to where they belong. He had always let part of himself hope that all of these pains would go away one day, that they wouldn’t bother him anymore as they had from the moment he left Hell. That day had never come though and part of Crowley knew it never would.

It was always easier to shut himself away from the rest of the world on days like this. His anger would get the best of him anyways and anyone who managed to cross his path usually took the brunt of the anger. Not that he was ever proud of that fact. He’s never been able to deny his angel for long though, especially not when his actions brought such a bright smile to the others face.

“ ‘Let’s celebrate,’ he said. ‘Go out and have some fun,’ he wants to do,” Crowley grumbles irritably. He doesn’t mean it though, not really. He enjoys spending time with his angel, just as much as he hopes Aziraphale enjoys spending time with him.

Crowley sighs, deflating as he lets the unnecessary anger fade away. It never makes him feel better for long, being angry. Has never made his shakes stop. Some days though, being angry feels better than nothing at all. He bows his head as he runs a hand through his hair. He knows the gesture always makes the short red strands stick up every which way, but he doesn’t care. His angel always finds a reason to fuss with it eventually anyways.

The shaking still hasn’t gone away when Crowley finally allows himself to open the bookshop door, plastering a smile on his face as he does so. He shoves his hand into his pocket, hoping to hide at least some of the shaking for as long as he possibly can. The smell of dust, warmth, old paper, and a hint of cologne hits him as soon as he enters the shop. Crowley almost allows himself to relax as he breathes it in, but his smile falters when a nasty tremor runs through his whole arm. It’s all he can do to not run straight back out of the door. His tremor is spreading, making it’s way up to his shoulder almost at this point and Crowley has to fight back a growl.

“Be right there, dear!” Aziraphale calls from the back of the shop. Crowley’s smile slips, lips falling back into their usual scowl as he waits. It isn’t long though before his angel comes around the corner and Crowley almost feels lie everything is right in his world again. “Hello, my dear,” Aziraphale says, using that name again.

Crowley only tilts his head at Aziraphale in reply, resisting the urge to turn and hide his still shaking arm. He knows that would only draw attention to it. He wills himself to remain planted as his angel moves closer.

“I’m so happy you agreed we should celebrate,” Aziraphale exclaims, his whole face lighting up. Crowley’s convinced the other swallowed a star at one point. “I know we don’t usually do anniversaries, but you don’t always get to celebrate the end of the world not happening.”

“Quiet right, angel,” Crowley hears himself reply. Aziraphale’s smile grows and Crowley feels a part of him warm at the look. Even if another part of him is consumed by fear. Fear of how Aziraphale will react, what he will say and think about the demon now. He’s always done his best to put on the best act he possibly can, one where he’s strong, unafraid, unashamed of his true nature, but now he fears it’s all going to come crashing down on him. If only his arm would stop. Fucking. Shaking.

“You there?”

Crowley comes back to himself with a small jerk, hoping it’s unnoticeable. Aziraphale is staring at him with a slight edge to his smile, as if he’s been talking to the demon and Crowley realizes he most likely was. “Sorry, angel. Got wrapped up in my own mind for a second there.”

Aziraphale’s smile softens. It’s an excuse, Crowley knows, but it’s one he has used frequently enough he knows Aziraphale will believe him. “I see,” the angel replies. “Well, now that I’ve gotten your attention, I was wondering if there was somewhere specific you wanted to go for dinner?”

Crowley watches as Aziraphale talks, doing everything he can to make sure the angel’s gaze doesn’t shift too far away. “Thought we were going to the Ritz again,” he says simply. That had been the plan last he heard anyways. Thought it was part of the celebration.

“That sounds lovely indeed! I just wanted to make sure you were ok with it as well!” Aziraphale’s smile grows to a glowing brightness again and Crowley feels part of him relax, hoping he will be able to pull this off for at least part of the night. “I know it was hard last year, but I just want to be able to remember the good that came out of it.”

Aziraphale reaches out with a tentative hand as he talks and Crowley is quick to lean into the angel’s touch when it lands on his still arm. “I agree, angel,” he replies quietly.

He can’t help it, even after all this time. Aziraphale has always been able to make him go weak at the knees, always been able to bring out his softer side. Even with a world of worry resting on his shoulders, even with the memories of last year still not quiet faded, all it takes is one touch to bring him such comfort. A single touch he could only dream off last year, now freely given often.

It was a lot for one demon to handle after so much darkness in his life, but he would do anything for more of it. Aziraphale pulls away slowly, fingers lingering and Crowley’s eyes flutter closed behind his glasses for a moment. His arm continues to shake, but Crowley pushes the worry to the side, pulling his eyes open again once Aziraphale starts talking. He’s already pondering what to order, what to enjoy, which vintage he might ask for, and it’s a nice distraction for the aching demon.

“We should probably get going then, yes?” Crowley interrupts after a few moments with a smile pulling at his lips.

“Ah! Yes, of course!” Aziraphale replies with a tinge to his cheeks. “My apologies, dear. Please! Let’s be off!”

Aziraphale says all of this with the biggest smile as he heads out of the shop. Crowley trails close behind him, happy to have his shaking arm out of view for a moment. He watches as the angel closes up shop before turning to his Bentley. He opens the door with a smile as Aziraphale turns towards him. Fingers once again brush against him, for only a moment, before the angel is tucked safely inside of the car.

Crowley finds himself circling around the back of the vehicle, taking a moment to pull his hand from his pocket, stretching the limb out even as it continues to shake. As he does so, a tremor runs through his arm again and his fingers tighten on their own accord. His nails dig painfully into his palm as his hand spasms uncontrollably and Crowley growls.

“Why today,” he growls out between clenched teeth. “Why do you choose today to act up.”

After a few more painful moments, Crowley manages to will his hand to loosen. The shaking continues, but he is at least able to control his hand once again as the tremor fades. He quickly climbs into the car, settling next to Aziraphale. “Alright, ready to go, angel?” he asks as he slides his gaze over, catching crystal blue eyes.

Worry reflects back at him. “Crowley, are you feeling alright?” Aziraphale whispers, words echoing in the small space.

Crowley hesitates. Not for long, but he already knows that one moment is one too long. He gives his angel a broken smile. “I’m doing the best I can, angel,” he whispers back. He feels his anger building again below the surface as the smile slips from Aziraphale’s face. Today is supposed to be about them, supposed to be about remembering the good times, and all he’s managed to do is cause his angel to worry.

Aziraphale holds out a hand and in the cramped space, Crowley’s only option is to take it with the hand that is still shaking. He knows Aziraphale will only continue to reach out for him until he does take it and he can’t help but sigh. The angel’s eyes flick down as he watches Crowley reach across the space between them and internally curses when he’s unable to hold back the shaking.

Aziraphale’s hand wraps tightly around Crowley’s intertwining their fingers. When with the pressure of the others hand, Crowley’s still continues to shake and it’s all he can do to hold back a scowl.

“How long has this been happening, my dear?” Aziraphale asks softly as he runs his thumb over the back of Crowley’s hand. He doesn't push, doesn't state anything specific, gives his demon options and it makes Crowley ache. 

Crowley would never lie to his angel, and yet, he’s never wanted so badly to hide the truth from him either. “It’s been...I’ve dealt with it a long time,” Crowley forces himself to say. The words come out painfully slow, but they still make it out, the secret starting to slip out to fill the space between them.

Aziraphale’s eyes flit up, catching his once again, and even though it’s a bright day in London for once, Crowley pulls his glasses off. It means losing his last line of defense, but at this point, he can’t really bring himself to care.

“Oh, Crowley...” Aziraphale finally says, and the demon can hear so much understanding behind those words. “I’m so sorry you felt like you had to hide this from me.”

Crowley’s heart clenches at those words. “I-I just... I never w-wanted...” He’s getting upset, anger bubbling just below the surface as his hand starts to shake even harder as he speaks. He moves to pull his hand, wants to be able to hide it once more, but Aziraphale only holds on tighter and Crowley finds he can’t bring himself to break his grip.

“You don’t have to go through this alone,” Aziraphale starts. “You never have had to go through this alone. I’m only sorry you thought you had to. Sorry I never noticed you were in pain sooner.”

The shaking spreads, but this time it’s a different kind of shaking. One that has his very core trembling at the words spilling from his angel. He doesn’t know what to say in response, doesn’t know how to make his angel understand that it’s all his fault for hiding everything in the first place. He ducks his head as his eyes start to burn, hiding away again as best as he can even as he feels Aziraphale’s gaze upon him.

He hears shifting next to him. There’s a hand on his face, cupping his cheek ever so gently after releasing his shaking hand. Crowley can’t help but pull it back away from the angel and he finds himself cradling it against his chest even as he leans into Aziraphale’s touch. “You have my word, Crowley,” Aziraphale says softly. “You will never have to suffer alone ever again. I will always be here for you, no matter what you need.”

Crowley can’t breathe, his chest one big mass of pressure as the angel’s words wash over him. He’s been going through this for so long by himself. Dealing with it on a day by day basis. The angel doesn’t even know the true extent of what bothers him, and yet, here he is. Reaching out for the demon, once again offering all the love and support he can now that they no longer have to worry about anything. “Angel...” he whispers brokenly.

Aziraphale only caresses his cheek with his thumb slowly and Crowley is so grateful his angel understands. They sit for a few moments longer, the world passing them by as they settle into the silence. Crowley’s arm continues to shake, but he feels himself calming finally as Aziraphale continues to comfort him gently. Once Crowley has completely come back to himself, he finds the courage to turn to his angel, catching his eyes. “Thank you,” he hears himself murmur as he stares into those never ending pools of blue.

“Of course, my dear,” Aziraphale replies, a small smile dancing on his lips. “Now, did you still want to go out and celebrate? Or would you rather go back inside and we can order in? I heard there’s a new Thai place in the area that delivers.”

Crowley barks out a laugh, his chest warming. His angel, his friend, never ceases to amaze him. “To be honest, a quite night in celebrating sounds like the perfect evening.”

At his words, Aziraphale’s smile grows even brighter and Crowley suddenly feels a part of himself start to realize that maybe, just maybe, he really doesn’t have to go through all of this alone any longer.


End file.
